At the start of each new year we find ourselves besieged with recommendations to help us resolve to improve ourselves. We hear it from our family, our friends, our coworkers, and (especially) the media. We’re told to resolve to lose weight, get a better job, become more active, become more socially involved…and the list goes on. While it may not be a healthy idea to “resolve” or absolutely promise to better yourself in a certain way, it may very well be a good time to take a closer look at your relationship with your spouse or partner.
This is especially true if you are experiencing any of the following:
- I’m stuck in a relationship I’m not sure I really want or enjoy
- The joy in my relationship has disappeared
- There is no longer any passion in my relationship
- My “soulmate” has become someone I don’t like
- I’m afraid my relationship is ending
- I feel hopeless about my relationship
When a good relationship starts, we tend to believe that life with our partner will always be romantic and that we will always feel connected and close to our partner. We believe that we will always be appreciated and that our partner will be our life-long friend.
The truth is that, no matter how much you and your partner love one another, real life relationships are not Cinderella stories and that early magic tends to fade. Our relationships become something that is no longer magical…something that has become at best, mundane and, at worst, boring, bothersome, and even antagonistic.
While that initial chemistry and infatuation may never return, a relationship that is based in love and trust can be revitalized. However, this revitalization will likely involve some work and initiative on your part and, ideally on the part of your partner.
I believe that the most important thing a couple can do to revitalize a relationship is to set aside time to deepen that relationship. I don’t just mean talking about taking this time…I mean making an actual appointment on your calendars to have a “date”. And, not just one date, but frequent dates occurring regularly.
So, what exactly is a date. Well, I’ll start by telling you what it’s NOT:
A time for problem-solving…like discussing children, finances, the house, or any other problems or even necessities you may be experiencing.
Having a date means to: Get to know each other again and learn more about each other.
For example:
- What kind of ice cream does your partner like?
- What kind of movies? (and so many other things….)
- What are your partner’s dreams?
- What are your dreams?
A date is a time to truly listen to one another, to dream together, and to deepen the relationship by being a friend to your partner and, perhaps more importantly, a friend to yourself. In the long run, friendship is the true necessity for a long-lived relationship.
So, ask yourself these questions:
- What if there is a proven method to rebuild my relationship?
- What if there is a way to help my partner and I learn to create a successful relationship based on research done with “real” couples like us?
- What if there is a way to re-establish the joy of a passionate relationship where both my partner and I feel cared for and listened to?
- What if there is a way to re-build our relationship so that it’s once again filled with compassion, exhilaration and intimate connection?
You do NOT have to feel resigned to having an unfulfilling partnershp in your life. You can get OUT of feeling stuck in a vicious cycle of distant, stagnant, explosive interactions with the very person you love the most.
And, all of this can start with having those “dates”. Being truly and positively engaged in these special times can enable you to:
- Resolve current conflict and past resentments
- Re-establish the connection and joy in your relationship
- Create an intimacy filled with affection and trust
I use Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) to guide you on this wonderful journey towards emotional fulfillment in your relationship.
- This therapy is based on clear, explicit conceptualizations of partner distress and adult love.
- It has been validated by over twenty years of empirical research.
Its primary goal is to “foster the creation of a secure bond between partners.” It is a relatively short-term approach to expand understanding of what is happening in relationships.